It doesn’t get easier

After all these years, hospital visits, sickness, and long nights, you would think that it would be easier each time. It’s doesn't get any easier. When he hurts, I am a mess! I can’t focus, I can’t sleep, I am a ball of emotion.

I question every thing I did in the previous days. I wonder what I could have done to prevent the flair up. Last night, I convinced myself that I have an unlucky sheet set. That maybe I used too much butter. That possibly I caused him to get sick again.

Being a person who always fights to win and borderline control freak, this makes me feel so inadequate, defenseless, and vulnerable.

I build myself up in between bouts and then crumble like a stale cookie as soon as he is sick. I think that I’ve armored myself, but I haven't.

It never gets easier to watch your love one suffer in pain.😪