Numb

I have programmed myself not to FEEL. In times of crisis I learned to put on the "strong woman strength" and fight through. So these feelings of fear, this inability to FIX the situation, this inadequacy, this powerlessness, this helplessness...is foreign. It's debilitating, it's paralyzing, it's deadening. It cripples me. When I am alone with my thoughts, my mind, my heart… I am scared to release all of these emotions. How do I? I've always had to be the strong one. In fact, I spend my days being strong for everyone. While at night I am petrified to sleep. To think. To feel. I am scared of what will happen if I release of all these emotions? Can I recover for Darryl? What if I lose the strength that I've mustered in order to take care of him...what happens after the strong one let's their guard down? Who builds a new fortress?

I know I will keep my head held high, my back straight, and my tears in check. I'm no good to anyone if I fall apart.

I’ll hold back these tears and go numb.