This month / week has been especially emotional for me. This is my birthday month and one of a few months that I knew for sure my husband would do something especially grand for me.

All month, I moped and sulked about would I am going to be missing out on. I have been looking back at past birthday pictures; the gifts, the trips, the rides, the fun.

I am planning to go visit my best friend for our shared birthday, but that still doesn’t replace or fill the void of not having the kind of birthday that I have grown to expect to spend with my husband these last two decades.

I went to the jewelry store and purchased myself a gift. I told him that it was a gift from him. It didn’t feel the same.

I booked a photo shoot to “celebrate myself”. I had fun and I enjoyed the feeling of being “spoiled”…but it still didn’t pacify the sadness that I was feeling.

After my photo shoot, I was moping around the house, doing my typical daily chores: wash clothes, wash dishes, sweep, mop, cook, and prepare dialysis treatment.

My husband and daughter were trying to persuade me to sit down and relax. I couldn’t. I was trying to get the nagging sadness out of my spirit. I could overhear them talking whenever I left the room. As I was starting to set up to cannulate my husband, they both got exasperated with me and told me that they (along with my brother and sister-in-law) had arranged for a surprise party for me in less than an hour. HA!

I am sure I probably drove them crazy. I literally drove myself into a mild depression worrying about what would or would not happen. Thinking that my husband wouldn’t be able to do what he has ALWAYS managed to do (which is spoil me). Even though he is not able to do as much as he used to, he makes sure I know that I am loved. And my tribe does too.

I am telling this story to say this…don’t ever underestimate how much you are loved. Don’t feed into the negative thoughts and fears that you are choosing to tell yourself.

You are loved.

You are not alone.

You have to allow your tribe to “surprise” you!