Peace & Purpose
I took a trip for our anniversary to release some of my husband's ashes back to his beloved Navy and California.
His naval base is gone and his ship is decommissioned. So I took him to San Diego and watched the ships rolled through.
As soon as I crossed the bridge to Coronado Island, I felt a sense of peace, as if I was doing the right thing. We'd always talked about our plans regarding passing away and I told him I was sending him off this way. He always gave a smart reply of "as long as it's not in the Flint River"...but I felt he was pleased.
I got a chance to sit with his Navy best friend. The fact that his stories about my husband were just as funny and wild as I'd known him to be, really filled my heart. My husband was always true to himself. Regardless of anyone's opinions.
Then the weather alerts came in to take shelter - Hurricane Hilary was imminent - and there hadn't been a hurricane since 1939...I looked to the sky and laughed. I knew my husband was making my visit memorable...so when I was "stuck" at the resort getting massages and pampering, his friend called and let me know that there had been an earthquake in Los Angeles as well. I just laughed. Yup. That sounds about the way my husband would have it be. Go out with a momentous bang!
I didn't cry one time after I got to Coronado. There was a lot of talking to Darryl and laughing and smiling, but no tears.
I did a lot of thinking about all that we'd been through.
Once someone told me to figure out my Why...and I thought it was to take care of others...but the universe pulled that rug from under me and let me see that it wasn't my purpose. My purpose was to take care of and love on my husband. In return I received so much love. I feel like I always took him for granted in that he would always be there to take care of me...and now he's not, but he showed me how to love and spoil me...and I now understand my purpose is to take care of me. I don't have to be strong and win. I can be soft and let things go. I can walk away from things that don't bring me joy. I am learning to love up on me like DT loved on me. To spoil me like he spoiled me. To be patient with myself as he was with me. I am learning to mimic the love that Darryl gave me.
I think I found my peace and purpose.
