I have not been able to comfortably sit in my living room or dining room since DT passed. There were constant reminders of him dying in the house and of bad dialysis treatments.

Every time I sat on the couch my eyes were immediately drawn to the spots on the ceiling and the lighter color of the carpet where I’d wiped blood splatter. My chest got heavy, my breathing stopped, and I just wanted to escape. I avoided my downstairs like it was cursed. Or I wouldn’t turn the lights on. I would try anything to cope with not being reminded of the sad times. Even when people would come over, I felt the urge to explain that the spots were there because “I had a curtain up when they brought DT home. That’s where he died.” I felt I needed to explain the pain away. It made them uncomfortable and me heartbroken all over again.

You can’t explain pain away. You can remove the reminders of the pain so that you don’t have to relive those moments every day.

I took steps to erase the reminders. I had the carpet pulled up and I have decided to totally remodel the kitchen, dining room, and living room.

Grief changes your world, literally and figuratively.

I am still grieving and learning to live with the grief. However, I owe it to myself not to relive the pain of that loss every day.

I am cleansing away the painful stuff as much as I can.

I am learning to be kinder to myself.