I am the oldest child. I think my perceived definition of oldest child lead me to a life long habit of perfectionism, bossiness, taking on others problems, and also neglecting my own wants and needs.

After my stepfather left, I took on an even bigger role as big sister. My youngest brother was 13 years younger than I was. I toted him around on my hip as if he were mine.

I remember working at a young age and buying my siblings something every time I got paid. Be it pizza or toys. I always bought something for them out of my money.

I started helping my mother with bill’s very young. I usually had to pay the cable or phone bill, which my mom considered luxury and not necessity.

I’ve always been the go to person for my family including those outside my immediate family.

I’ve never had a problem helping them.

However, I am in the season of need…Tremendous need for support from my loved ones. My husband is an only child and lost both of his parents. I am his only family outside of our kids. Some days life is a lot and I just want to escape the madness with a few laughs and good times to keep my mind on something other than his illness. I don’t have that from my siblings. I am still the big sister, co-parent, provider, giver…I end up more exhausted from them than my own situation.

I’ve asked them for specific help. This is also a very difficult thing for me, because of my big sister role. I don’t ask people for much, because I don’t want to be disappointed.

The help never came. Just lame excuses or nothing at all. They know I’ll figure it out. And I did…but now it’s time for them to figure things out on their own.

I am no longer a big sister, a giver, a provider, a co-parent. I am an only child and my mother isn’t around. I have to get it on my own. I am forging my own family ties. And I won’t be the big sister in my new family either.

My new role is a “No, So, Oh” person.

This is my very selfish phase. I think I’ll bask in it for a little while and spoil myself 💜