July, August, and September are months I spend in reflection and remembrance.

When I reflect, I am oftentimes saddened by the choices I made. I feel like I lost so much time on things that ended up not mattering in life. I feel like I wasted time that I can never get back.

I have to remind myself that I didn’t realized that our end date would be so soon. I have to forgive myself.

Today a memory popped up that made me sad.

It’s a memory from September 2nd, 2020.

The caption read “I have been up since 2am and working since 4 am…grinding”

What made me sad is that I was doing all of that while DT was dying. Actively dying. I was going into a job with people getting sick with Covid all the time. I was risking bring it home to DT. DT was going to dialysis, sometimes with no ride home. He would often be stuck at the door until I came. Everyone else would be gone. I was working constantly, phone calls, text messages, meetings, all while DT was sick or in the hospital.

I thought I was working to provide a great life for my family. I smile in the picture but behind that smile was fear and pain. I used the job as an excuse to “escape” from it all. I wonder how I even smiled at all.

I was fired 2 and a half months after this picture was taken. Which devastated me. I had to face reality.

I smile now because I now realize that things happen in divine order. God made me do what was needed. God gave me time with my hubby. God kept me.

As I look back, I realize that I am stronger than I have ever been and softer than I ever imagined.

I am learning to prioritize the things in life that really matter; my happiness, my family, myself ✨️

To God be the Glory 🤲🏾