I lost my cousin yesterday. It’s sent me into a spiral.

When people think or speak about me, they talk about how strong I am. Truth is, I just don’t know how to stop or slow down. I don’t think that I am strong. I am just scared that if I lose it and deal with my issues, I won’t be able to recover.

I am what you would call a walking, talking, ball of anxiety and fear. Who would think that grief would lead to PTSD? I watched my husband die and I can’t get the years of fear and pain out of my mind. I see him on the floor incoherent and spasming. I hear the gurgles from him taking his last breaths. I see the 250 lbs. man shrivel into 120 lbs. over the years.

I am afraid everyday that someone else close to me is going to die. This developed into complex codependency issues. I think and try to take care of everyone around me and make them happy so that they are okay. I put my happiness into ensuring that the people I love are happy. It’s a sickness. It is no way to live. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know why I think I can fix everyone. It makes me feel inadequate and unappreciated, yet people probably aren’t even aware that I am basing my worth from how well I make them feel. I feel like it’s my job to fix and save the world. I can’t even save me.

Grief has strung me up and tossed me around. I am on edge most of the time. I have employed every tool I could to cope with my grief. Some things work momentarily, but I am haunted during the quiet times.

The compounding losses back-to-back when I was starting my healing process of losing DT is what has been the catalyst for my anxiety. I literary have lost someone almost every month since DT passed away. Every loss, I feel the pain of my own. I “feel” the pain of the loved ones left to deal in the aftermath. I grieve all over again. Every loss, I am more and more afraid. Every loss, I fear I won’t come back from.

I have post traumatic stress disorder with complex co-dependency issues. My emotions and anxiety are through the roof. If you see me smiling, just know that I have fought very hard to give you that smile and inside I am a ball of exhaustion, sorrow, pain, and fear. If you see me, know that I am fighting. If you see me smiling, know that I am giving you everything I have. If you see me, know that I am out of strength and holding on by the grace of God.