Believe it or not, during your grieving, people will say and do the most outlandish, inconsiderate, hurtful things…

My grandmother told me that no one liked me or liked to be around me because I always liked to fight. When I tell you those words have triggered me to resort to the old angry me.

Some things transpired since my husband's passing. I prayed and kept going.

Today though, that rage boiled over and almost made me go back to my grandmother's version of me. I was inches away from the person who called and cursed me out when I expressed that their actions hurt me. I was within punching range, as my old self used to say. I reached, I positioned myself, but God didn’t let me swing. This person was unaware that the anger, rage, hurt and pain that I have been dealing with almost rained down on the back of their skull.

I was shaking, I was mad, I was tempted..I wanted to resort back to the unhealed, unloved, angry person I was before I met my husband. I was a fighter, strike that…I was a brawler. Someone had to be praying for my safety and salvation just as they were today.

Grief comes in many forms. There are many clinically described stages of grief. I can’t recite them all, but I know that for me anger is definitely one of those stages. It seems unfair that the person you loved is taken away from you way too soon. It also seems as if people are testing your “gangsta” or patience when they do and say incredibly inconsiderate things.

Being with Darryl made me feel protected and secure. Now I feel vulnerable and as if everyone is testing me. I don’t sleep. And in the quiet hours of the night I replay my life with him and without him. I replay everything everyone says or does to me…and I feel like I am being punked. It’s weird. I stay up all night alternating emotions of love, sadness, and anger.

I write all this to say, thank you God (and Darryl) for keeping me from acting on my anger. I would not have been pretty. I ask you God, to remove this anger and rage from my heart.

I also ask that you continue to use me as an example of what God’s work looks like when you Just Keep Going ❤️