It’s been hard trying to move on with life and deal with my grief.

On one hand life goes on and I want to be happy. On the other hand, I feel slighted because I am going on without the people I love.

I find myself angry and often time jealous of other people who have not lost their loved ones.

I also feel angry because I have lost so many more people since I lost my husband.

It just doesn’t seem fair. I have no room to breathe. Each loss keeps taking me back to the day I had to tell my kids to meet me at the hospital so we could make the decision to bring DT home to ultimately die.

I remember that two months in a row he would fall out of bed, and I would helplessly need to call the ambulance to get him up and take him to the hospital. I remember not being able to understand what he was saying. I remember the sounds he made when he was lying there. I remember him shaking uncontrollably. I remember his body temperature dropping so low that they had to put a plastic bag around him with a heater to try to bring it up.

This is the season where my growth is stunted. Where I am stuck in the reality of my experience. Where grief is overwhelming. I apologize in advance for my anger, confusion, and distance. I am trying to cope in a world that looks foreign to me.

And just when I thought my anger would subside…my cousins passed away. Both in very tragic manners…and I think about what those last moments may have looked like. What their immediate families had to see…and it drives me to tears.

Grief is mentally tormenting, and it stunts your growth.